You look like a cucumber today.: A Little Lost, Sometimes Found

I've been avoiding writing lately. Not quite sure why, perhaps a fear that I've lost the ability to communicate meaningfully. I fear my brain's lexical ability and dexterity is below average and on the brim of full capacity. With the utterance of a new word in Russian or correctly using Ukrainian zaps a GRE worthy word out of my short term memory space. When I type, I have to keep on backspacing because I'm writing phonetically. I feel stuck in limbo at site, not moving forward intellectually or in my relationships. The past few weeks I've been trying to think of new ways to quantify what progress I've made as a volunteer in my village. Yes, looking for results isn't easy and it's naive. Comparing myself to other PCVs and what they've been able to achieve is both motivational and a reason why I constantly question my role.

I'm proud of what I've been doing outside of my site with working groups and special events. In KO, I've done little outside of the classroom. That is, if I'm in a classroom. Lately, my lessons have been canceled left and right and it's hard not to take it personally. The worst is that for the past two weeks my school has been preparing for the visit of the oblast's education commission. Despite how top-down this society is, surprisingly the commission only goes to one rayon in the oblast every year, and since there are 25 in Odeska, the commission hasn't been to my school in something like 24 years. I can go on a rant about this easily. Instead I'd rather focus on my school's obsession with making cosmetic changes. I still don't quite understand why my school's administration felt so threatened about this visit, no one can explain it to me. If anything, they should be more worried about putting on airs around me. Someone said that Ukrainians love to treat their guests and because the commission is our guest, we must stop everything to treat them as such. So, a lot of shouting matches went down about the arrangements of plants and posters. Instead of lessons, students were out in the school yards raking and sculpting dirt, having sledding races by pulling each other around the school on old sweaters they use as mops. I got to say, I was impressed by how well put together the school looked. Displays that haven't been changed in 15 years were stripped down. Photo displays were added in all the corridors, making me feel less like I work in an aquarium.

I also blame this visit on my lack of starting anything new at the school. The grant I was working on all of September and October has evaporated, partially due to my lack of communication but more so because I can't find the support within the school to make anything sustainable. Everything here is a week by week fight, and anything that isn't of dire need in the present is pushed back further and further. I've learned to push for what I want, but often I don't think I'm in the place to do so. I'll take a few more days to assess whether or not I can have any side projects within the school during winter. If not, I'll enjoy having a little free time and put my effort towards tutoring and upcoming commitments.

Here's some photos of my school in the anticipation of being visited:

The lobby, sometimes student's art is up here. On the back wall there is a schedule of student events. I had no idea most of the stuff listed went on, despite asking all the time. I guess I should thank this inquisition for the streamlining of information within the school community.

A new addition to our school, shiny mass produced Silk Road pictures. The art of taste (and scale) is something that I'll never comprehend in this culture. I can't tell if it is original or a poor interpretation.